My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out