5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
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I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.