i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.