Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Me, reading some of your tweets
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.