most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.