As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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Me: Same
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.