Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?