3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
You Might Also Like
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you