Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
You Might Also Like
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I found your tweet-up…
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My oldest chicken is going through henopause