I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU