Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
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Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane