Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
guys I’m going home
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE