Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
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Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Brands during Pride
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean