I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I am, perchance
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?