[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.