Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?