I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
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I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The best shot in the history of golf
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater