A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
whatcha thinkin bout
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”