Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips