People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
You Might Also Like
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
それは草
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?