Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.