[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
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Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?