I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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My neck, my back, my…
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.