“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
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“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!