“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
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I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.