Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
tinder is all about the long game
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”