I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Hell yeah 👍
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Mornin
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.