Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
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If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…