Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
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me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.