They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room