“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.