FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Great acting.. 😂
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email