“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Lmao
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
some Old Testament wisdom
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans