No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
So the ex texted me
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Best spoiler warning ever
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me trying to look natural in photos
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time