It’s the weekend y’all
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me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I think we should hear other voices.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
…żyje?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.