all that yoga finally paid off
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Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
real
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!