Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
You Might Also Like
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler