Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Vodka burrito was a success