It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”