COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”