If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Get in loser we’re going crying
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
uh oh
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m calling the cops.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.