Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
repaired
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back