Ok but actually
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.