Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
secret recipe
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu