If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
me adding lol on a serious message
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief