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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: