I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates