What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.