You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.