don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
She: I like Cats
He:
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder